1. Do I Want God to Exist?
2. Do I Believe God Exists?
3. Does God Exist?
My answers at the moment are:
1. Yes
2. No, maybe?
3. Probably not, but I don't know
I think each of these questions is really important. They're related, but different. I especially like calling them each out separately, because I think they're often conflated for one another.
For #1 - Do I Want God to Exist?
When someone asks if I believe in god, I sometimes think they're actually asking this question. The problem is that me wanting something super duper bad doesn't have any bearing on reality. I hear people say "I don't want to live in a world where God doesn't exist." Well, I don't want to live in a world where there isn't a million dollars buried in my back yard. I think the reason I want God to exist is because if that's the case, it makes it more likely that there's life after death. All I know is existing, so I'm kind of uneasy about the idea of not existing anymore. So, yes, I want God to exist. Too bad this doesn't influence reality in the slightest.
For #2 - Do I Believe God Exists?
I'm not sure! It's complicated.
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Most of the time I don't. Does that make my an atheist? Depends on your definition of atheism and if you believe agnosticism actually exists (saying "I don't know" to a question of belief doesn't really make sense when you think about it. How can you not know if you believe in something or not? I quibble...) I'm wrestling with whether or not belief is even a choice. I'll write about that another time - whether or not I think belief is a choice or not. Right now I think I could make the choice to believe someday, but it would have to be a very different idea of God than what I grew up with. I haven't put in enough time thinking to define a concept of God that I could get behind. I'm sure it's out there, but, again, that doesn't make it real. So, for right now... No. I don't believe God exists, but it could change. Again, me believing is independent of the actual reality of the situation. It's a tense subject, which is why I prefer to talk about question #3 in terms of probabilities - it's a better way to discuss it than discrete yes/no values.
For #3 - Does God Exist?
Speaking in terms of probabilities is the only way that I can make sense of this question. I know this approach won't appeal to everyone, but it's all I got!
I think it is highly unlikely that traditional Mormon concept of God exists. There are so many problems with how he is defined that I, again, think it is highly unlikely that this guy exists. This is a separate statement than that of belief. This is what I consider the best way to discuss the existence of God. Belief is too discrete. At the end of the day THERE IS NO WAY TO RELIABLY ANSWER THIS QUESTION with a yes or no. It's unknowable! Science can't prove it or disprove it (although based on what we know through the scientific method the answer would also point to highly unlikely). Feelings can't prove it or make it real (though the evidence from most of the planet claiming to have spiritual experiences could be interpreted as pointing toward likely). Atheists who say "God does not exist" must actually mean it's highly unlikely or that they don't believe he exists. Mormons who say "I know God exists" likely mean they have strong convictions of belief and want him to exist. But how can anyone actually definitively answer this question? I used to believe that God could reveal himself to me through my thoughts and my feelings. There could be people out there reading this who are screaming at their computer screens wishing I could believe that, and that would be the key to answering "yes" to this question. Another time I'll support my view that this method of revealing himself would provide a much different world than we inhabit today. Geeze, the list of things I have to write about later is getting pretty long.
So, combine my three answers and what do you get? Hopeful Agnostic? Skeptical Believer? Optimistic Atheist? Wishy-washy lame-o? I mean, come on... make a stand! I wish I could, but I can't. I'm uncertain about everything, and I don't know how to be otherwise. What I've learned from writing this post, though, is that #1 is the least important question because wanting something doesn't influence reality. Question #3 is the next least important because there's no way to know, though I like it because it allows for more dialogue and exploration. Question #2 , eh, it's unclear to me whether or not it's important. It's definitely the question that requires someone to put their foot down and actually say something. Maybe that's why people keep asking it, and not the other two. Still, I feel like I need to justify my "no" answer with the "yes" and "I don't know" in order to paint the full picture of how I approach it. I'm super sensitive to being stereotyped now that some consider me to have "left the church" (I'll write about why that bugs me later), and maybe I'm overcompensating by providing all this fluffy background noise to soften peoples perceptions of me. Hey, is that MY navel down there?
That list of things to write about later is really piling up: - What I said in Elders Quorum that day - Have I "left the church?" - Is belief a choice? -and lastly, in my opinion why revelation through thoughts and feelings doesn't accurately describe the world. You know me, tackling the easy ones first...
