Adventures in Elders Quorum

One thing I'm going to miss about living in Seattle is our wacky little progressive ward and Stake. The Ravenna Park Ward in the Seattle North Stake is a little more than half UW married graduate students. We have Law students and professors. We have people getting PhD's in physics, genomics, atmospheric science. There are probably a dozen Medical/Dental students. In our sister ward - the Washington Park Ward -the Bishop received national media attention for reaching out to gay and lesbian members who are disaffected. There are private book clubs that discuss fringy topics like - Were the lectures on faith removed from scriptural cannon due to Joseph's Smith's evolving theology? What do laboratory replications of "spiritual experiences" mean for the faithful? and discussions on the recent essays by Adam S. Millers Letters to a Young Mormon. It's been an interesting place to be. My views on spirituality and theology have been greatly influenced by my time here.

Also, I'm the second counselor in the Elders Quorum Presidency. Granted, I only informed the Bishop about my disbelief after I was called and set apart, but he still felt it fine to leave me in. Our President has been through a faith crisis of sorts - he's half black and doesn't hold Brigham Young in the highest esteem. The First Counselor is a stay at home dad whose wife is a full time student. Our secretary went through several bouts with the God of the Old Testament for his infanticide, genocide, incest, slavery, concubinage, and racism, eventually using non-correlated materials to deconstruct and reconstruct an interpretation of that God that he can worship. We were a motley bunch. I'm proud to have been a part of this group of leaders.

Given our interesting makeup, we decided to use our first Sunday lessons to present a series of discussion topics titled "Tools For a Robust View of Mormonism". I'll give you a hint as to what that doesn't mean.

The foundational lesson was taught by our secretary, a man literate in biblical Hebrew and current PhD. student at UW. The content was designed to present a framework for approaching multiple paradigms for interacting with Mormonism. The idea was not to slam the quorum with controversial topics, but to merely lay the groundwork that even within our quorum there are myriad ways of interpreting what it means to be "Mormon".

The basic outline borrowed James Fowlers Stages of Faith framework, focusing on stages 3,4, and 5. I'll sum it up very quickly so you don't have to read the whole article yourself, though it's not a bad idea. Let me preface this with saying that while Fowler noted that people often progress linearly through the stages, you shouldn't interpret stage 4 as being superior to stage 3, or 5 to 4, or anything like that. You also shouldn't assume that any one stage is intrinsically "better" than any other. Okay, read on!

Stage 3 could be stereotyped as a "True Believing Member" or TBM as many online forums tend to abbreviate - often derisively, but not always. Scriptures are interpreted more or less literally, there is a clear and absolute moral right and wrong. Leaders and prophets are more or less infallible: Joseph Smith may have kicked his dog or lost his temper, but polygamy and other touchy subjects were definitely divinely mandated. Stage 3 individuals might say things like "The Gospel is so simple" or "It's just obvious the church is true."

Stage 4 is marked by a recoil from a stage 3 mentality. These people begin to put trust in other sources like the scientific method, logic, or reasoning. They reject the stories in scripture as literal. Often stage 4 individuals feel deeply conflicted with respect to their previous faith. Raise you're hand if you're a stage 4!

Stage 5 individuals recognize the limitations of both logic/reason and spirituality. They use the religious traditions and stories as doorways to meaning and not meaningful solely on their own. To editorialize with my own thoughts: Stage 5 individuals essentially create their own religion. They may borrow scaffolding from their previous faith tradition, but more or less attach whatever new meaning they personally feel to their old ways, or create new ones altogether.

Again, the idea was to just lay out that there could be "Mormons" in any of these stages. Though, I'm sure most would agree that the vast majority of active members would be characterized as stage 3. To support the teaching our secretary used *GASP* uncorrelated materials like the New York Times, alternative translations of the Old Testament, a few essays from Letters To a Young Mormon and a few others.

After the lesson we did a sampling of the members of the quorum to gather feedback. Responses ranged from "This was the best elders quorum of my entire life in the church" to "...the plain and simple Gospel Truths aren't good enough for you and your intellectualism?" It was a mixed bag. But I sure had fun. In the end, we decided to discontinue the series after one lesson. Not because we thought we'd failed, but because we listened to our members and wanted to meet their needs. We did learn something useful though - our elders came to quorum to be uplifted, to be around guys they liked, and to recharge for the week. We went back to the drawing board and came up with a new idea for our next lesson:

A "testimony" meeting!

We decided to hand pick members of the quorum from the whole spectrum of faith. We tapped them ahead of time and encouraged them to be really honest in answering the following questions: What role does Christ play in your life? What are the benefits of being a Mormon? and lastly, why are you a Mormon? There were 5 of us who shared - 2 with traditional, rock solid testimonies, 1 more or less in-betweener, and 2 (including myself) who were complete non-believers.

For the two "traditional" fellows - everything went smooth as custard. I was next. I skirted the Christ question completely, and opted for a little back story on how I got to where I'm at. I answered the next questions as honestly as I could. Maybe I'll write more about that later. The next guy told how his testimony has changed a lot since he grew up, how learning to think like a scientist made him confront things he saw as incongruities in gospel doctrine. In the end, while admitting that he wasn't as "strong" as he used to be, he felt it was important to make a conscious decision to believe. I respect that so much. I was sitting next to him during the meeting and I just wanted to grab the guy and give him a big hug (I hugged him afterward). The last one was a guy who admitted that when people outside of church ask him if he's mormon he says "no", and that his primary reasons for attending church are: Free 2 hours of babysitting, he likes the guys in the quorum, and he's seen how women treat other women whose husbands are inactive - and he doesn't want that happening to his wife. Jaws were on. the. floor.

Now, I don't want to give you all the idea that I'm a hardcore advocate of "big tent mormonism" - especially with what's in the next few paragraphs (spoiler alert, the meeting was a huge success). I still think a perfectly reasonable solution to a faith crisis is to straight up leave, and that perhaps instead of making the tent bigger we should make exit less painful. With that being said......

IT WENT SOOOOOOOO AWESOME! After the meeting everyone was staying late to chat about things they'd heard, to thank people for being so brave and sharing their true feelings, asking questions about specific things, sharing appreciation. It was the best. Everyone was standing around talking to people they'd never talked to. Wives were coming up with screaming kids saying it was time to leave. It was like the universe had flipped over.

One thing that came out from those who didn't have "traditional" testimonies in the after-quorum-hubbub was a deep appreciation for those who are able to have faith. I had nothing but respect for all the men who dedicate their entire lives to this - they're ballers. From the faithful, it was a deep appreciation for the sincerity that the unbelievers had. I had people express to myself and free-babysitting-guy that it must have been terrible to lose faith, and that it's admirable to do what you think is right in order to keep personal integrity. I had others quietly pull me aside and say "Thanks so much. I feel the same way and never knew there was anyone else like me." We all came away from the meeting understanding each other more fully, and it brought the quorum closer together. We were curious about each other, and we didn't seem to judge. We sang Kumbaya and burned incense and everything. I think I saw one guy with a sitar.

What did we all learn from this little adventure? That there exists a vibrant diversity of faith everywhere we go, even within our own congregations. Stifling and silencing this diversity means we're missing out on a big opportunity to developed bonds with one another. Think about it, how can you not respect a guy who gives up 3 hours of his only day off and miss the Seahawks game to be with his wife and support her, at a place that he really would rather not be? What's more "mormon" than putting your family first like that? How can you not respect a guy who has devoted his life to a religion and let that guide his desire for self improvement and compassion? Being a "Mormon" means waaaaay more than most of us think, and until we let that diversity blossom we're forfeiting a chance to truly know - and admire - one another in meaningful ways.

So, for those who call this little tent their home, recognize that it may already be a lot bigger than you think.


One more quick note. Feel free to share this blog with anyone you want. Most people that are close to me know about my little situation, and I'm not worried about people finding out anymore. The toothpaste is out of the tube, and there ain't no putting it back in! Love you all!

Let's get down to business! Does God Exist?

Alright, here goes! Get ready for something dense and confusing! You'll notice that throughout these entries I'm going to raise many more questions than I provide answers for. I think that's one of my new favorite things to do actually; I like to collect interesting questions more than collect answers. Alright... on to it!

I'm starting to wonder if it's important to decide if God exists.

Ever since I lost faith that the church is the one true church, it hadn't seemed to me to even be an important thing to ponder. It seemed/seems obvious, once I shuffled off the traditional LDS worldview, that if God exists, he's entirely absent. There may be more evidence for a God that's malevolent than there is for a benevolent one. A huge hangup of mine is the existence of gratuitous suffering. Gratuitous suffering, to me, is suffering that serves no purpose. We often hear that people are refined by suffering, that there are lessons to learn, or that it helps us build compassion. It's also often explained that in order to honor agency, people have to be able to make bad decisions which can cause suffering. I have no arguments against any of those explanations. Indeed, the ability to transmute suffering into something positive is one of the most redeeming qualities of the LDS concept of God. Yet, there exists ample suffering in the world that doesn't accomplish any of these things. Take child starvation in Africa for example: How is this refining these children? What lessons are being learned? Whose agency is needing to be preserved in order for this suffering to happen? Whose bad decisions brought this suffering upon these children? How are these people who have never heard of Christ, learning to rely on him and allow his atonement to comfort them? To me, this suffering serves no noble purpose, and is therefore gratuitous and unnecessary. There are countless other examples of forms of gratuitous suffering, and it's not going to brighten anyone's day to go through them.

If God is All Loving and All Knowing, and All Powerful, then it becomes very difficult to explain all the gratuitous suffering in the world. If he loves us, and has all power, surely it's possible for him to set up a world where this type of suffering does not exist without disrupting personal agency, personal growth and development, and the ability to cultivate compassion for mankind. If he could have set it up this way and chose not to, then, well, I don't think he's worthy of my admiration or worship.

Then the following question flew into my funnel:

Why have I set up a scenario where God must be All Loving, All Powerful, and All Knowing in order to exist? Why haven't I questioned this assumption? Could a God exist who is not completely powerful or knowing?

The next questions that follow for me are: Is a God who is not all powerful or all knowing worthy of worship? What is the point of cultivating a relationship with this God? Say I send a prayer off, but my own conception of God deems him powerless to answer it, why offer the prayer? If God is incapable of stepping in to relieve gratuitous suffering, then does that necessarily mean he's incapable of blessing as well? How can I reasonably expect God to take an interest in me or intervene in my life, when he set up a world with gratuitous suffering? Why does it matter if I take a stance on his existence if his existence doesn't influence my life?

Still, though, these issues might not be enough to make it unimportant to decide if God exists. It might still be pragmatically worthwhile to make an active choice to believe in a God, albeit a puny one by LDS standards. If I were to offer up a belief in this limited God, it would be a huge relief for my wife and family.

What boundaries would I have to set for myself if I were to make this conscious decision to believe? What would it mean for me to open myself up to belief again? How would I interface with the church if I choose to believe in God? How would LDS teachings influence how I conceive of God?

I would have to unequivocally reject dogma of any nature. My new favorite thing about myself is the freedom to think critically, openly, and without restrictions imposed upon me. I love to question basic assumptions myself and others make and imagine what altering those assumptions changes. Perhaps some would characterize it as pride, but I'm not willing to give it up. Any sermon, scripture, or ritual would have to merely be a point of consideration. Nothing would be allowed to be forced upon me as True. Recognizing that if a God exists and has the capacity to communicate with man, any message from him is mediated through an imperfect vehicle. To turn a popular LDS phrase on its head, all preaching, including from the brethren, would be "the philosophy of men, mingled with scripture". Every point of consideration is ultimately settled by me - whether by conscience, the spirit, logic, however you feel most comfortable defining it - I am the controller of what I allow to be a governing Truth. To quote Joseph Smith, "I want the liberty of believing as I please, it feels so good not be trammeled." (WoJS, 183-184)

Throughout the process of writing this, I'm closer to feeling like this is something important to decide on. Even if the only God I could reconcile with how I observe the world would have severely limited capabilities, it still might be pragmatic to make a choice one way or another. Up until now, I've simply defaulted on a position that God doesn't exist. I could very well end up right back there, but it's important to at least give it an honest thought and make a more conscious choice.

See how much fun this is!

It's Back!

WHAT UP loyal readers!?!? You all still there? No? Good. Sorry for the radio silence for the last 3 years.

I'm bringing back the Six Foot Lobster. A lot in my life has changed in the past two years, and it's useful to me to share my thoughts and feelings. Particularly since they're changing so rapidly. So if anyone is out there, you're about to get more than you bargained for.

In order to "get" the rest of my entries, you'll need to understand a few things:

I lost my faith that the LDS church is the one true church around April of 2013. That decision or realization, depending on your perspective, has had far reaching impacts in my life and the lives of my loved ones. For everyone, including myself, it brought despair, sadness, depression, confusion, worry, and grief - then optimism, curiosity, discovery, and acceptance. My entire worldview had been pulled out from under me, and I didn't have the tools to build a new one. For the last year and half I've been putting the pieces back together, and I'm still sorting things out. It's been wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time, and I want to share that with you all (hopefully no one, since no one reads this).

It took a while but eventually I settled in pretty nicely with a set of thoughts or beliefs, up until about a month ago, when I became more contemplative about spiritual things. It's partially for that reason that I want to share the story of how someone can go from full tilt believing member - to disaffected - to devour-er of historical and apologetic information - to comfortably settled atheist - to cautious skeptic - all in about a year and a half.

There are many things I hope to explore through this blog:

The impact on my family has been difficult, but rewarding at the same time. I want to sort out what this journey has been like, and where I hope to see us heading.

I've become much more thoughtful about my place in the universe, and I want an outlet for those thoughts and feelings.

I've cultivated a new appreciation for the diversity of the world - I want to share what that means to me and why it's important.

I've become a sort of lame amateur theologian. Without a pre-supplied framework for considering God and other spiritual things, I've been stuck in my head creating my own concepts and ideas. I'd like to share those.

I now feel comfortable expressing my opinion on a number of social issues that I never felt comfortable talking about before. Not that anyone should care what I have to say, but now I can say it and not feel bad about it!

I want to pat myself on the back from time to time for living authentically. It's a hard thing to do sometimes, and it's been exhilarating to understand myself in new and exciting ways.

Lastly, I still am and will forever be a Mormon. Feels like a contradiction, right? I interface with the LDS Church almost constantly in my life, yet don't currently espouse a belief in the fundamental truth claims. Aren't you all curious how an apostate navigates that?! I mean, my kids are going to turn 8 someday... what happens then??!?! I want to sort out how I approach all of this and share an alternative perspective on what it means to be a Mormon.

Well, I hope there's no one out there actually reading any of this. If you're there, you have my pity. Take care everybody!